I have been told — recently, though I’ve been told before — that I must be “swimming in energy” all the time. That’s sort of true, particularly over the past year. By this, I mean that I am sensitive to all sorts of subtle energies around me, this includes being an empath, sensitivity to emotions around me, as well as sensitivity to Ki/Qi/Chi that I’ve written about here before. This is kind of funny to me in a way; I remember being told by some hardcore feminist separatist witchlet many years ago when I was first getting into paganism that I was headblind, a term that means something close to “utterly oblivious to energy.”
Anyway, this is not necessarily the best condition to be in after the past 2 weeks. There have been lots of emotions, lots of negativity, lots of suffering within myself and all around me, most of it caused directly and indirectly by me. I’m still working my way through this emotional space. The overwhelming negative emotion for me is sadness, with tinges of anger under it, though the anger seems to be subsiding much more quickly and easily than the sadness. And I’m still not quite sure what to do with it. I’m trying very hard not to plunge headfirst into a sea of depression with this; I sometimes feel like I’m on autopilot, moving through the day-to-day tasks of my reality in some anhedonious haze. Swimming in anti-energy, almost.
Yet, I know there is so much joy to experience in living. And I just want to be able to experience this joy again without feeling bogged down by this depressive weight. I think it will take time to let these emotions move through me.
I keep trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, and I’m trying to cling to the vision that when I emerge from this dark forest, the light will be bright and beautiful. I just don’t want to fall asleep under some gloomy yet somehow inviting tree trunk.
Clearly, I need to find my inner Tom Bombadil, to tell off Old Man Willow and rescue my inner hobbit from the clutches of this situation:
Tom sprang away, and breaking off a hanging branch smote the side of the willow with it. ‘You let them out again, Old Man Willow!’ he said. ‘What be you a-thinking of? You should not be waking. Eat earth! Dig deep! Drink water! Go to sleep! Bombadil is talking!’ He then seized Merry’s feet and drew him out of the suddenly widening crack.
–Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings
So the search for Merry continues…